My head has been in such a state of clutter. With my girls starting school just a couple weeks ago, I had BIG PLANS. And if you know me at all, you will be nodding and smiling and agreeing with me at this point. I can fill my day. Making it so very productive or so i think. But this new beginning isn't going off with quite the hitch as I planned.
I can't sew, I can't complete a project in my sewing room let alone walk into it without being overwhelmed. In tears or anger, both are so similar to me lately. As different of emotions as they are. They are one to me right now.
I want to workout and don't have the energy for it. That's how I talk myself out of doing something good for me anyway.
I miss my husband. He works so hard and so long and it's a double edge sword. As God has provided a way for me to stay home with that.
I miss my girls. Funny how I spent all that time yearning for school to begin and now all I want to do is sleep in and snuggle and want Word world ( and I hate that show).
I miss friends but can't muster up the energy to call and have lunch. Stupid!
Some days I just want to lock myself up in my room and not answer my phone, no particular reason. Just cause.
I am impatient. Edgy. Closed off. Isolated and actively isolating myself from people and things that the girl inside me is SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS FOR!
If you asked me why, I couldn't tell you why either so don't bother. And why am I even attempting to write this to the Blogg-Universe right now? Well because it's quiet in my house tonight and this is so freeing to let it all go after months of pent up frustration. (While right now I am totally rocking out to I'm just a Girl by No Doubt)
Quite Fitting doncha think?
So I look at this continuum of laundry in my life as a metaphor for my inner turmoil. It (the clothes) that seem to represent to me the warm, colorful comfortable things in my life that yes, get dirty. Isn't that how it works though? And they must be cleaned. All the time. I go through this process of washing and drying them all the time not really considering the process or learning what I need from it.The cleansing sometimes isn't fun either. Sometimes things get so badly stained that they must be soaked for days. This would be some lessons I just can't get through my thick skull. So they take time. Rinse and repeat. And this brings me to my sweet and precious Savior, Jesus Christ. My Softener and dryer. Bringer of warmth and softness. He provides me my gentle reminders of just how He sees me. Clean and brought through to another day to serve him and follow His purpose for me.Spotless .
So while it gets mundane and boring and I just wanna scream when I see that darn laundry basket getting close to throwing up all over itself again with messy and dirty clothes, I am learning to breathe a sign of relief for this little life I have been given another day at.
I am a lucky girl. And even in this valley my sweet Lord has me in trudging up for something. I ask alot but maybe I shouldn't anymore. And stop and enjoy the view.... even if it's only from the top of a pile of laundry.