Seeking Joy

Over the past few months I have had many thoughts.Thoughts stemming from specific situations,experiences from the past and just plain longing for joy in my life.
Why is my personal joy being robbed?
Because I have allowed it to happen.Period.Point.Blank.
Ah yes, a moment of clarity.We all have those so they aren't that rare but acting on the awareness of them, now that's where the fun begins.Oh wait,just me?

From the challenges and joys of homeschooling,to deleting my Facebook.To eliminating the stress of over obligating myself to any and all opportunities to wear my super duper mom badge.There has never been more joy present in my life until now. And the crazy thing is,absolutely No Mom guilt has followed.

The important things and people in my life will always be just that.Even if I seem to fail in showing that,I am determined to make these changes a reality.I am removing all the distractions I have allowed to overtake my perspective. So that I may better see and experience the goodness of my life in the present.

I can change no one but myself.Teaching my daughter's this is key as well. Teaching them truth and what is not and the wisdom to know and understand the difference is one of the many goals I have. Assuming someone's intentions will get you nowhere either. We all do the best we can with what we have and this has become evermore true today for myself. And when we know better,we do better,in everything.

Life is good and full.Fresh with new life that may have always been there but looks sparkling now without all the clutter to hide it.

My current Joy's:
(In no particular order)

* My daughter's
* Homeschooling
*My love for sewing and creating things
* My sweet husband
* My home
*Christmas
* My Savior
*Pinterest
* Instagram


What are your current Joy's?

A Christmas re-do on the girls room was F.U.N this year.Complete with paper chain,fabric tree's,and a glitter Nativity scene from the dollar bin at Target.

My very first book dedication and she used "beloved". There are no words to describe.None.

Christmas in our house looks a little like this...it's getting there...I'm not sweating it this year and it feels so good.

Intersection

Points of Impact.
In my life there have been many.
I sat in church this week and I remember the pastor speaking of points of Impact and how they can dramatically change your life in that instant.And how they change you,good or bad,depending on your attitude.It is all a matter of choice.And for some reason this thought struck me to the core.Not because I hadn't heard something similar at some point in my life.But maybe it seemed to resonate more then and there because I was open to hearing what my Maker was saying to Me about it.It being my attitude regarding my personal Points of Impact.

I had a friend recently say something to me about attitude.And how she was having a hard time reading blogs,in particular,that seem depressing or resentful of the life that is theirs.And what a turn off it is,as a mother.And the whole time I sat and nodded my head over the phone and said Right! through our conversation, I felt totally convicted.Now I know she problay wasn't talking about me but that doesn't even matter.I took it as a sign. I needed to get a friggin grip.And I got to work and took some inventory on my life,what I put out on my life and how I let My Points of Impact moments affect me and those around me.

What I came out with was this:
Surviving not Thriving

Simple.True.Real and it's all about to change.

I have survived some of the worst losses a human being can imagine.How do I let this affect me now? I choose to become more compassionate.I choose to do more of what I love. I
choose to put more value in the investment of time rather than money.I choose my words more carefully because they are more powerful than I gave them credit for.I choose to see the beauty in my daughters everyday and tell them.I choose to continue to dream big of the life I hope to live.I may not do these things every day.But these thoughts are of my heart and soul.And while my bad days still come and go,I choose to try and rest in the solid true's of my life.
My points of impact have rocked me to my core.Hard.Altering my soul and directed my life on a completely different course than I imagined.But I try and rest in the fact that everything is as it should be,at this moment,all is well.This is Thriving not surviving.

Overwhelmed is an Understatment {Life & Homeschooling}

I woke up at 4am last Wednesday morning.Not because I had to or wanted to but because I just couldn't shut my mind off.It was loud.It was filled with worry,anxiety and could not be quieted.So I gave in,grabbed some coffee,which used to be an old friend of which we had a dramatic breakup.I came crawling back even though my relationship with it is abusive.I gave in.
My thoughts are loud,maybe rambling to you but need to be released.
I woke with guilt this morning.Mommy guilt.Guilt that suffocates me with quiet whispers of I will never be as kind as my own mom was,I don't show enough compassion,I have a quick and biting tongue and a partner who does no wrong and reminds me on the daily. I will never be as nice as him.As good as him.
It will never be home here.In this house.How do we thrive here when we have lost so much here.Yes, it is a roof over our heads.But that roof started to feel like a prison years ago. Heartbreak and debt are just some of the things we have collected here.Where do I put those things? I am so tired of compromising my values for my family to live here.With so many strings attached and a hole dug so deep, I think I've realized I lost my shovel and scissors.
Feeling like a work horse makes my self worth feel minimal.I mean really? How many hats can one woman wear before she starts feeling completely taken advantage of? I can take ownership of this too.Because lately the word No has been elusive.It hides behind Can't You figure it out Yourself?
What if I just left? Would these little people be taken care of? Couldn't I just swing a mommy getaway,unplug,re group,detoxify?Would anyone notice?
Would anyone really miss the crazy lady?
I am finding it way too easy to answer these questions.
Is that a bad sign?
I really NEED to stop volunteering for EVERY.SINGLE.THING.ASAP.
I mean I sometimes feel like I need to get a freakin grip.
Do you see now why I woke up at 4am?
I haven't trained for my half marathon like I should have.I a little disappointed in myself for that.
Homeschooling is nuts.I need to remind myself daily that I will survive this day and so will my daughter. Hopfully.
So today,I am going to focus on getting done what I can.Breathing. And coming to grips with the Truths and Falsehoods in the here and now.

This was my devotional today...How Ironic and poignant.

From Grace For The Moment
(Guard you Attitude)

The author writes about Mary and Martha and their attitudes about serving.And mentions "God is more pleased with the quiet attention of a sincere servant than the noisy service of a sour one."
Convicted much Momma Zo? Ouch!

Especially after where my heart has been with all the changes and challenges in our family lately.I thought I had been giving myself way too much credit,that I had this all down.
Not.A.Chance.
I was way off.
I am just thinking Today will be good and I will find the Good in it.
Whether that's feeling accomplished today with school or enjoying a {good} glass of vino at the end if it's not.
Either way, I WILL find the Good.

Trues Today:
*My family is healthy and I love them so much
*We had a wonderful weekend together at Alisal Ranch.
*My baby turned 9 on Saturday( oh yes, I did the math,halfway to 18,I died)
*Today is a Brand.New.Day Seize It!
I am {Not} my past. And will {choose} that everyday.

Things change...Roll with me

I really don't know where to begin.I try and think when things change, do I remember the moment?Was there a moment? Or is it many many moments that created the change.Such is my life today.One MAJOR change rocking my tiny little space in this world right now is......Homeschooling! Oh yay, I said that dirty word.Life changing right? I bet you gasped when you read it too.Maybe you are already thinking of funny clever homeschooling jokes about how weird the kids are who (suffer) in homeschool.Am I right?!
Well friends I am here today to shed a different light on what homeschooling can be.
Cheesy,yes but so very true.
I have heard mom's say the most awful things about kids that are schooled at home,my friends included.We are so quick to judge as mothers when we aren't in the shoes to be forced to consider other options.I want to change that.
I should start with how (I) we came to the decision of homeschooling.There were of course many factors.One of which I casually dismissed in conversation at first with Carys.She started asking last year if I would ever teach her from home.I literally laughed at loud,cracked jokes at myself on how if she thought momma was tough now,being her teacher she might be miserable.Yet,she insisted I would be fab.My little optimist,oh how I love her.Then a biggie hit our family,like many others I'm sure,and unfortunately we had to sell very first home back in AZ.It still kind of makes me sick thinking about it to this day and the residual effects from it still linger.Like the taxes,double ugggggg.So enter that as factor two. I almost feel like we were doomed since our move back to CA.I mean, don't get me wrong, things happen but our family could use a itty bitty break.At some point.So we rallied through last year and all it's financial woes and arrived in the middle of factor number three.I debated on just how to describe these next chain of events because I truly think they deserve their own post/explanation but I'll sum them up quickly.Last year was rough on Carys within her social circle at school.She was involved in a bullying incident,which she participated in and I gave her the definition of what she was doing and this crushed her.She broke away from of a couple of the girls also involved,made a change of heart and way and paid a hefty price for it.Things escalated between the girls and the moms and by the end of the school year Carys was so devastated.I was begging and bribing her to finish out the year.I now feel as though I threw her to the wolves.There were many opportunities for me as her Momma to step in and say what was right and wrong.Instead all I did was watch,give her what I believed was kind and proper dialogue to communicate and hope and pray it worked.I didn't want to be a "helicopter mom".I knew there would be things she needed to go through.This was NOT one of those times.
I failed miserably.And so did she.
And after seeing what one of the mothers was capable of,on and off campus,without consequence from the school,it became the straw that broke the camels back.
Dissapointment doesn't quite cover it.But then again it was all part of the bigger plan that was not my own from the beginning. This is where it gets better....
I should also mention that Baylie Shaye was meant to go back.So she started Monday and all is well in the land of 1st grade. Deep breathe now.
So over the summer,after much information,talking to other moms who teach from home and praying, we (I) made my decision.
But this is where once I said an internal Yes! The crazy {amazing-meant-to-be}things started happening....Follow this..
Ready? Ok....So this is how you know it's meant to be....
A year earlier I was sitting in church and passing the tithing bucket to my left and this woman next to me grabs my face and calls me by my first name.It was my kindergarden teacher.I hadn't seen her in,well,um,20 plus years.We started chatting and I found out she was still teaching at a homeschool charter school in our area.Food for thought at the time,nothing more.Nothing less.
Fast forward a year, having gone through all of the above and more that will remain unlisted for now,while vetting different homeschool programs, I find out one I am seriously looking into she (my kinder teacher)is teaching at and teaching/overseeing grade 3,Carys grade! My kinder teacher would be Carys teacher.Bonus!And the principal was my 3rd grade teacher,Double bonus.Third grade was a crazy year for me.It happened to be the first year my mom got sick,from cancer,so my parents became quite close to her and so did I.
Also our neighbors directly behind us homeschool their son who is a year older than Carys .Carys and their son,Christopher,play so well together and his mom has been such a great resource,support and encouragement throughout this process.
And finally I had a very heartfelt, lovely and encouraging meeting with Carys would be teacher this year at her former school.Sam and I were majorly bummed on missing out on her this year.But she is so available for any question I may have this year and was so understanding after chatting.So you see had these events happened any other way,I might have dug my heels in a bit more.I believe I listened and heard the needs of my daughter above my own (wants).I believe this will bring Carys and I closer and stronger together than ever before.I believe this year will grow us both in ways we can't even imagine.The peace of this major decision being made rests firmly in God's hands.Motherhood is a major trip people.It brings me to my knees on the daily and back up again the next second.I
Will try and keep you posted on the Ups and Downs,What works and doesn't and if I am still hanging in there.Ha!
Here's to homeschooling,
Holla!

My sweet girl,
I promise that this will be our adventure together.
Me and you.
This is our time to grow and learn
More about each other.
I love you with my whole heart
And I want you to know that.
Really truly know.
You are beautiful
And important
And kind.
Thank you for taking this
Crazy chance with me too.
This life is so rad with you in it.
Xoxo

Summer Detox

My summer has been a lot about removing the bad,slowly but surely, and replenishing the good.Good for the soul and body for Summer 2012.
So far my reading material has been a little of this:

One of the first books I have downloaded onto my IPad.{Soul Detox} has provided me with hours of reality checks.I was hooked from the sample pages.If you feel like being busted out (Spiritually that is) Get it.

Sometimes I get trapped in my thoughts.Thoughts of being inadequate as a mom,wife,friend.Then situations arise that my feelings are hurt in and I tend to stew on.Trying to figure out what I could have said, what I should have said.All the while,nothing really gets better.In my head that is. This,I realized after some reading,is a personal issue.No One is in control of these thoughts but me.I can't change anyone,as my Grama Bernice always reminds me.But I can change,as I pray and confess these thoughts to the Lord.And release this daily burden of four feelings that seem to overtake me way too much. Pessimism,Anxiety,Bitterness and Criticism.
{Soul Detox} had a good way this week of explaining these thought traps.

A lot of heavy decisions had to be made this summer.Thankfully there has been a nice balance of fun that came with that.Sort of takes the edge off a bit.But this book gave me some insight to what I allow into my life and heart lately.So far what it has revealed has been both astonishing and freeing.

Running again has been a fresh way for me to get my work out on during summer.I am currently training for a half marathon in November so I ran a measly 5K in Hollister about a month or so ago to kick off my training.It just so happened to be June 10th too.Which is the day my mom passed away.The weather was beautiful,my family was there cheering me on and I got to run it with one of my dearest friends.You'd think I was actually running a marathon.It was the longest 3.1 miles of my life.Swear.But I did it,I have so far to go.But doing something,on that day I literally dread all.year.long gave me a new perspective on what that day SHOULD be,in honor of her.

Dear Lisa,

Hi,so happy to meet you in Costco last week. I am so sorry for looking and acting like a wreck,standing in the food court line while wrangling 4 very Lively little girls.They were hungry and frankly so was I.And who can beat the $1.50 lunch for four right? I wanted to write you to thank you.Thank you for taking the time to just listen to a perfect stranger about her day.You didn't know me from Adam really but you listened,laughed and offered up the sweetest advice after I treated you like my personal therapist in that food court line.Thank you for giving me a free pass when you asked if they were ( all mine) and I responded "Today they are"...It had been a long day at that point but even so,you allowed me the freedom to just keep it real. You simply smiled and said I have two girls and they are yours for life you know? You followed that thought with a cute analogy of something like 'daughters are for life,boys are yours until they take their wife'...It made me laugh through my stressed wrecked face.You explained how you married you oldest daughter off a few weeks back.Your face lite up as you described her,instantly.There was something about the mention of your daughter's name that just softened me instantly too.It was so strange.I stood there paying for my pizza and soda,looking a wreck and just absorbed what you said.I then told you about how they all decided to make a mud pool in the backyard,10minutes before we were supposed to leave the house today.I told you how furious I was,and you kindly,with not one hint of judgment in your voice, ask why? You said Let them play,that's what they do.You said to encourage their imagination and not discourage it by worrying about dirt.So I left out the part about spanking them to you.Sorry.I felt convicted and embarrassed in that moment.Because you were exactly right.You went on to tell me how lucky I was to have girls.You explained how you nurtured your daughter's sisterhood.That you expected nothing less.Because we as woman need and thrive in our sisterhood.Biologically or not.We NEED eachother desperately.Another simply truth that effortlessly feel off your lips.All I could do was stand there,in the Costco Food court,tears streaming and listen to you.And nod. Because every.single.thing you said was right on point.I told you through these tears,I don't know why, how I struggled within my motherhood for being the {Tough Mom} and bad guy most days.How jealous I can be because my husband is always the hero,the really fun,cool hero.How I feel convicted for being so tough on my girls,by myself and at times by my sweet husband.You stopped me there.You quietly whispered,No...You so sweetly said they need that.And to always allow my husband to be who he is to them.Gentle and Kind.Funny and affectionate.Never make fun of that or belittle him and who he is to them.Because that is exactly the kind of man they will fall in love with.And that's what I want right?Lisa, you changed my heart right there in that big box store.Your kindness was not overlooked that day.And as Mother's we often can recall the terrible comments made to us,in public,on the daily, by complete strangers trying to tear us down.In our own motherhood and sisterhood as woman.I will {choose} to remember you.Your listening ear,generous encouragement and kind heart will forever change me in some small(HUGE) way.And for that, I am forever grateful.It was a pleasure to meet you.I really hope to run into you again one day,down the road, when I can say you were right and hopfully I look and seem less disheveled and more with it. Hopfully I will carry the joy you seemed to emit from within your soul and share it with another mom and bless her as you have blessed me.

Thank you with Love,

The mom from Costco
Xoxo

The hulligans:
(mine are Carys/BayShaye)
(My BF's Chloe/Gigi)
They don't make me much cuter than this,
Mud and all.
XOXO

Have a wonderful Weekend Peeps!

Never left unsaid

Dear Grama,
There are no words.
But I will try.
Spending time with you soothes my soul.
You root me with grace,proper grammar(heehee)and kindness.
Your sweet whispers remind me of where I came from and who I am.
You let me be me,without question or hesitation.
You continue to nurture me in my life and
My motherhood.
I can't imagine life without you.
I mean,how could I?
You are not only my grama,
My daughter's Great grama,
A constant reminder of who my mom was,
Who she raised me to be
In my fiercest trials and greatest joy,
You are there to listen,encourage
And most importantly
Love me.
Unconditionally.
You are my longest,truest and bestest friends ever.
Yes,I just used the word bestest.
You are one of my most treasured earthly gifts.
Your friendship has changed my life.
I can't imagine my life without you.
Thank you for everything.
Literally,everything.

These ladies have my
Whole.
Entire.
Heart.
*sigh*

And Yes! I took my Grama to the famous gum wall
In Slo.
Gross,yes.Hilarious,of course!
But Grama was a champ
And I think she secretly got a kick out of it too.

In classic Grama fashion,
She bought these books for the girls during our trip
To the Apple Farm.
While some might have taken this
As a sign,
I laughed because this is who
She is.Always gently reminding
Us of manners,in both
Words and action.
Love.

May the Odds be ever in your favor....

Oh Katniss,you are my hero.I think we would be great friends.
Survivor's,we are.
Your journey was exhausting at times.
I held my breathe at the end.
It could not have ended better.

Case of the Mondays...

Dear Monday,

Hello,remember me.Yes,you say? Just wondering if you can go easy on me today.I have a ton on my plate and am feeling on the verge lately.From preparing and packing for a 2 week vaca to AZ to attempting to start new projects for my Etsy Shop.I just need Monday to start smoothly.I need Monday to be gentle.I NEED Monday to just be plain nice.

Last week ended rough yet I felt so accomplished.I made good dinners,I got dressed a couple days,real cute like and everything.But why is it that I can only remember the bad despite the good? Funny how that happens huh?

The Bad....My girls have been suffering with these pesky allergies for weeks now. Carys' has been getting 5 minutes a lot lately at school.And for those who don't know....5 minutes is No Bueno over here in these parts.It's driving me crazy.Self control and following directions fail her often. She's only 8 1/2 so I am trying to have patience and so is she,with me that is. Bay won't stop sucking her thumb and has a horrible looking rash on her face.I swear it's been there since last year,no, I am not kidding. We have an invasion of slugs, oh yes, slugs,in our kitchen.This doesn't mixed well with my compulsive cleaning disorder either. Again, I am going nuts. My brother is in Disneyland.....again.And yes, I call IT...Disneyland.Figure it out yet? Haven't talked to one of my dearest friends in at least 2 months.We don't really fight and haven't since we were 10 and fighting over which one of our barbies was the Jewish American Princess. Seriously. So it just feels crappy. Our home we had to short sale last year, the one that I grieved like a dying family member, we got reminded this tax season just how expensive that " funeral" is going to cost us. I hate our government right about now. I feel like we tried/prayed about all the right things to do,did them and it seems to have been in vain. I want to do is go back to bed these days.It all seems so over whelming.

The Good....because I need reminding...Momma Zo is healthy.After a solid year of hitting the gym, I have lost 20lbs and feel so much better I only need to see my therapist once a year.True Story! My husband has a job.He works in the construction industry, so we are blessed to just still be working. We were able to pay off our lingering hospital bills from year after year after year of my miscarriages. So glad to not be reminded monthly of what I don't have anymore. That can be brutal on the grieving heart.My girls seem to be loving dance.Which I love because of my passion for it.I got to spend a day with my girls and grandma Bernice recently.Which blessed my heart in more ways than one.I love her more than life and we have always been very close.I got my fabric tags for my products in the mail last week.Yay, they are beautiful. We are going on vacation this week.Back to AZ.Seeing old friends who became like family for us while we were there.And new chubby babies to meet and kiss for the first time too.Can you tell I need a baby fix or what? I got our family portraits back.They are beautiful.So beautiful in fact that I don't even recognize the people in them.Ha! I have amazing friends.Period.And an even more rad family.

Monday was descent to me today.I only cried once.At our PTF meeting,In front of teachers,the principal,parents I don't know,but who's counting right? I went to spin.It was Hell but...I survived and dominated.I did 5 loads of laundry.Monday was ok.....Bring it Tuesday.Bring it.

Leap year makes me a Happy Momma...

From keeping the TV off after school and coloring....

Just coloring....Hello Kitty never looked so good.

I even made (From scratch) chicken soup...without a recipe...I made it up and because Momma Zo ain't no chef, I surprised myself with it's deliciousness.

Then Sambo was a good hubbs and did the dishes while I watched...This really only happens on Leap year people,don't get excited.

I totally 'pinned' this idea off Pinterest but I thought it was so clever and affirming for the girls.These will be Character Keys.And the girls will earn them when practicing positive loving character building traits.The first three I thought of are Kindness,Patience and Integrity. I'm so excited about these little beauties.

Making something beautiful....I love sewing....

Making scraps of fabric into something wearable...and the afternoon sun peaking through my window.LOVE.

And this shelf sits above my desktop.I think this is one of my favorite things in my house.You know that one spot where you can look up at,at any time and catch a glimpse of just how wonderful and FULL of love your life is.And for that one second that your not screaming at your kids or your husband......everything is perfect and good.That crayon colored hand is Bay's.She drew that on the first day of kinder.After the teacher read the book The Kissing Hand ( Read it if you haven't already) they drew their own kissing hands.Bay was the only one who drew a little pink heart in the center.I HAD to frame it,right? That canvas one of my BFF's made me for my birthday this year.It reminds me of her and makes me happy.She lives far far away,boo.The picture of the house is Me and Sam's very first home.It was our's.And for a time, we created a beautiful place that was just us.It was good for our souls as newlyweds.To be there, alone.And the memories we share of that home I treasure.Always. And those famous photo booth pictures,oh yes, some of the best.One strip is actually Sam proposing to me.I look so haggered in it because......I was prego and totally puking every 5 minutes.I still laugh when I see those pictures....Today just turned out to be an extra day to enjoy...really,really REALLY enjoy this Life that I sometimes take for granted and don't love enough.

Blocked Out

I'm back! Yay, right?!?! I know it's been awhile.My life has been so crazy busy and honestly I just didn't feel like blogging about it, LAME! Sometimes I just wanna shut the world out and keep all the funny and cool things I'm up to and my family is up to, well, to myself. We all do it once in awhile. It's like taking inventory of ourselves, weeding out the junk to allow for new growth. I should start off by saying this....NO! We are NOT expecting.That seems to be a common question when you fall off of Blogland. But we are good. There is peace here in our home. Which we are truly enjoying. Together. Except for last night when I yelled at Sam for the 500th million time about the dish washer being broken again...ummm. But we won't talk about that.Or 2 nights ago when I had to threaten  a Soap Pump to my 8 (going on 25) year old about her sass mouth and talking back. More on Soap Pumps later, trust me, you might try it. Just saying. Or in between dealing with my sweet and precious 5 years old Kleptomaniac. Ah yes, things are well. Living the dream. I promise more stories soon. Hang tight.

Own It

(Mama Zo, bay, Carys )

(Crazy girls)

It's every so often I look through pictures of my girls and fall in love with them all over again. Now I'm not saying I don't LOVE them every.single.day. Yes, that goes without saying but like, really fall head over heels in love with these two. I mean some days, I want to drop them off in the toy section at Target and wonder off but I don't. I control the urge. But today, looking over our summer so far and seeing the memories captured on film just makes me feel complete ,well almost...

Part of me wants to believe that.Believing that this is my family.These sweet, yummy things that are mine to nurture and love and care over.But that would be such a lie. I love these faces. More than an word in the English language could describe.But I would be a bold faced liar if I get asked 'The Question' again....

'Are you planning on having any more children?'That question used to haunt me, like the frickin plague. No serious, it's really no fun to stumble for words, to claw at an answer that isn't even true for so many years. Complete B.S! I would make up the most redunkulous excuses as to why Sam and I weren't planning on anymore. You name it, I said it. Proudly and matter-of-fact too. Like I had full intentions of believing my own lies too. I gave into the fear based thoughts that I was not meant to have any more children. And if I did, I was being selfish, because as every woman I met pointed out, I HAD 2 beautiful girls, what was I complaining about anyway? Really,shame on me right?And if anything I KNEW all too well what the worst was...

The worst was all too familiar to me. I could smell the worst from miles away. They were my nearest and dearest nightmares. And if I tried to forget them, well I could always count on some inappropriate person asking or prodding my fertility for Q&A. Why did you miscarry the 1st time? (insert GASP here) And the 2nd and the 3rd? Did they tell you why? Well there must be a reason right? Believe me I thought of many totally foul things to counter back but never did. I sat, listened, answered best I could, still do and say nothing. Because truly I have no answers. And I'm ok with that today. Because I have let go of that fear that has made me a crazy person inside. Certifiably! Trust me. And I don't want to be her. That girl. Yuck!

Here's what I do know: I know God is Good. Even when it's BAD, really really really bad, God is STILL Good. And even if I cursed him, He still loves me, He is the constant, I am not. Nor are my circumstances. Fear is not from him.I know the worst that can happen is I'll miscarry again. Or have another tubal pregnancy (look it up, not good times at all). And if that happens, then I might not ever conceive naturally. Meaning without help. I know this all makes me really sad. And I know that's OK and normal. I know I DO have 2 amazing, smart, witty,beautiful daughters who fill my life with LIFE.I know I can never prepare myself for this happening again because that's not normal. People don't prepare to lose children. I know for the first time in 3 LOOONG years I actually got happy to hear someone I knew was 'expecting'. Genuinely happy. What a wonderful feeling not to wanna gauge the poor woman's eye balls out.I know that after talking to my sweet husband about the idea of having more children, he becomes my biggest fan and supporter in 'practising' HA! Go figure ;) I also know that I long to see those beautiful faces one day before my Father in Heaven. And I have no shame in that thought either. What a gift I have in eternity to KNOW that. And only there will I feel complete and whole again.

So these girls make me one lucky mama. Ahh yes! And I feel a burden of fear has lifted on this heart of mine to involve God more in the future of my motherhood. Rather than allowing fear based decisions dictate what our path is for this family of mine. More babies may or may not be in our future, I'm more ok with that than years past. But I believe I have a mighty God, who does more and knows my heart more than I ever could. For now, I am full and blessed and in the moment of this motherhood that has become such a gift.

Me Lately..

I figured it sounded alot like Chelsea lately and oh how I love me some Chelsea, late night. Hilarious. You should watch, at least once.For a good laugh and some celeb bashing.

Anyhoots, I've been seriously M.I.A. and I want to get back in the groove.

With Blogging, that is. But in a new fresh way.

I want to tell my story. You know, everyone has a story. We all tend to think or rather believe ours is best. But I don't. In all honesty, I just need to get it out. In all it's grit and glory, piece by piece. A purging of sorts if you will.

So while you might encounter some funny video's and photo's of my fantastic girls and family on here, this will mostly be a place dedicated to the journey I've been on for 31 years. And just how I'm still alive. God is glorious.

***Disclaimer**** Friends and Family take note. There may be parts you may read here, in the near future, that may cause you to know more about me. More than you have ever known before. If you at any time find yourself uncomfortable with that fact, because this is my personal blog, guess what? YOU DON"T HAVE TO READ IT. No hard feelings. This blog only represents me, not my husband or anyone else for that matter. This is my life, my story to write. And I find myself to be in a place in life where I feel more free than ever to do so. Thank you and enjoy. Should be funtimes...

The Inside- Out- List of 2011

Oh, now is the time of year I read from blog to blog everyone's 'resolutions' for the new year. And while at this point it seems only right to reflect on last years accomplishments and this years 'To-Do's' and goals, I often wonder if we would do the same inventory with things that don't make us sound so puffed up and bragalicious. I mean this... I could commit to losing weight, being more healthy, praying more, spending more quality time with my family but I think that's the easy part. Doing stuff on the outside that is. Having people witness it, slap you with a high five as you check one thing after another off your list. What seems like more of a challenge to me, and this maybe ONLY ME, but doing that same over haul on thy INNER SELF. With God. Like between you and Him. For example, I was just chatting about something similar with some friends over dinner the other night. Like when you do a cleanse of sorts and change you eating habits and then as time passes and you stay committed people start to notice. But the side effects only come after dedication and hard work. Which no one gets to see and or witness on a regular basis. Now they don't notice how better functioning your liver is or how great your bowels are doing. They notice you skin, hair and maybe nails. The color of your eyes become brighter and maybe your teeth whiter. But that's only a side effect of what beautiful work has gone on while no one could see. So lets say you did that with your resolutions instead. This might mean you don't get to brag about them in a outward way. It might be years before you begin to seep out the beautifully amazing and hard changes that have started in your heart. This will be my goal. From the inside out this year and let the results speak for them selves. Here's to that 2011... Now let's begin!

Grateful

Grateful for the Wings of Jesus for my shelter and strength

Grateful for this clock. It was a gift to my G Grandmother from my mom.

And I get to cherish the time everyday.

Grateful for my creativity and all the projects that go unfinished around my home but still look so pretty.

Grateful for this old weathered window that reminds me of my grandmother, hard work, the home she built with my grandfather.

Grateful for my dad and for always showing up and working hard.

Grateful for these old ballet slippers and the memories they hold for me. And how thoughtful my mom was to preserve that for me for the years to come.

Grateful for my nightstand. Because it reminds me of the love and wonder of my motherhood and where it came from.

Grateful for Jesus in our home and how free our girls are to KNOW HIM here.

On the road of Motherhood

I recently have had some discussions about consequense with young ones with other moms and wanted to ask the question...

'Have you ever given a consequence to your child that another mom GASPED at?'

Just wondering and how did you respond?

The Great Divide

For those who don't know, I LOVE ME SOME JESUS! There, it's said. It's written. It's done. Now you know and you may do what you will with that tid bit of info. You either stay or leave (this blog that is).

I came across a very interesting blog the other day HERE and this gal video blogged about the divisive nature of Christians. The body. And what we chose to discuss and what we chose not to discuss.

Politics.

Alcohol.

Dressing with 'the girls' hanging out

the list goes on and on...

Halloween (to celebrate/not to celebrate)

Smoking

Tatoo's

like I said, on and on...

And it really rang true for me.

While I did not grow up in a so called Christian environment,

I knew people growing up who

LOVED themselves some Jesus.

My mom had friends.

Who actually had no TV in their home because their pastor believed it to be the Devil...

whole other post really.

But still very relevant to what we are talking about here.

I went to school with people who claimed Christianity.

They weren't my crowd but we mingled on occasion.

So when I pondered my interactions with some people from church

when I first started going to now.

Oh the judgements that fell on me when I first started dating my now husband.

Woozer, I wonder how I endured the comments and slight torment of these

'loving' people.

I think I survived because I had nothing to compare them too.

But now, having the freedom in Christ.

And knowing Him and who He is for some time now has brought to place of peace.

And sorrow for these other people.

Who had esteemed themselves so much in their own little community.

That it became kind of cult like.

And this is where the judgement lays.

And why this woman's posts hit home for me.

Their were certain things I knew i could never speak of and others where these people would come together and say they were praying, had compassion and empathy for my situation. And other things they wouldn't touch and or discuss with a ten foot pole. And the really really bad stuff I was going through or had gone through in the past was straight up SIN.

BAD!

BAD!

BAD!

But nothing in their own minds or world or rather cult would allow them to view their own behavior as SIN or BAD BAD BAD.

Strange?

YES!

I mean, I thought your BAD stuff and my BAD stuff was the same SIN in God's eyes?

Or at least that's what I've read.

And so it was the

kinda bad SIN and the really BAD BAD BAD SIN that divided at the end of the day.

It has alienated the body in so many horrible ways.

So while those hot topics this amazing lady talked about were true to point,

I felt it wasn't necessarily the nature of the topic but rather the category of SIN on a scale of

1-10

1 being the least and 10 being the greatest most unimaginable SIN you could commit

EVER.

To this day, I have never come across such a scale in the WORD of GOD.

If you find it,let me know.

Judging the scale of the SIN in the body is very dangerous.

More so for the Christians than those who are along the journey learning and questioning God as I type.

This has always been a sign to me (this is my own personal opinion here) that what a scary place that must be. To feel so comfortable in your personal relationship with the Almighty to be able to decide what SIN should be frowned upon more. It's like playing God. You are essentially claiming you KNOW HIM so well that you can make a distinction from good to bad to worse.

I have enjoyed seeing my life walk with Jesus out of the mouths of others, if that makes sense. I do not often reflect on how far God has brought me from what I used to be. But others mention it to me from time to time and from those certain people, it's like Jesus Himself is speaking right to me. They are few. But sometimes it's nice to ponder, like some have become such vessels and God allows these precious souls to interact with me sometimes to encourage and lift me up and closer to Him.

It's magical.

I sure hope I haven't lost you here.

I swear I'm not crazy.

Even if I say I know God.

This is true.

With all this said,

and knowing people will fail and judge

(including myself at times)

it's good to serve a God

who's LOVE I do not deserve

and He still Loves me back.

No matter what.

Without a scale of Judgement

all for what His sweet Son did for me (and you).

30 Things about Me that I've learned... About me

1. I don't like Mayo. Or anything that resembles Mayo. (i.e sour cream, yogurt, etc.)

2. I am sensitive to sarcasm. This does not mean I don't have a sense of humor but jokes at the expense of others I don't get or like. Ever.

3. I'm creative. I love to create things with my hands. My mother gave me this gift and I treasure it above all for that simple fact. And nurture creativity in my girls.

4. I want more children but... I too afraid to have anymore. I fear miscarriages. I fear loss. It kinda sucks. Big time. Maybe that feeling will pass someday.

5. I love my green eyes. I get em from my mama. I'm the only one in my family with green eyes.

6. The older I get,the more conservative to get. And I love it. Make no apologies for it.

7. I feel extremely lucky to have grown up in a two parent (pot smoking hippie) home and had the rare opportunity to witness them love each other like no other couple I know or ever met. That by far is the greatest gift I have ever received.

8. I am extremely loyal.

9. I love my friends like family. They were my family when I had no family.

10.I've learned that not all friends are GOOD friends. And it's OK with me now.

11. I LOVE bread. I could seriously live off bread for the rest of my life.

12.I love being a woman. It's far better than being a girl. Feeling good in this skin at 30 is grand.

13. I dislike people who ask for your ideas/style/technique and then steal your ideas and present them to you like it's something they thought of on their own. These people are not friends. I've learned the hard way.My circle is smaller for it. And better.

14. I've learned that when I say my family..I mean.. My husband (most days) and my girls. That's the way it's supposed to be/mean.

15. I love the beach.

16. I hate being sick. I always think I'm going to die. It's really weird.

17. I love to travel. Drive (I have an inner truck driver living inside me) Fly, whatever, let's just go somewhere.

18. I love getting pretty everyday. One of the perks of being a girl. I love being a girl!

19.I love taking photographs and I think I'm getting pretty good at it. Even if I only rock a hand held Nikon. It does the job.

20. I fall in absolute uncontrollable undeniable LOVE with my girls. EVERY. SINGLE.DAY.

21. I love to teach dance to my babies. I'm still learning but I love that I take part in their first dance steps and their joy in it.

22. I'm very passionate. Take it or leave it.

23. I can be a smart ass. On purpose or on accident.

24.I LOVE Jesus. And can believe He loves me too.

25.I hate working out or exercising. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

26.I love warm sunny days.

27.I love my freckles. I love them more that Baylie has renamed them 'Sparkles'.

28.I secretly love my husband more than he loves me. I know it. But it's OK, I'll never tell him anyway.

29. I want to move to a far away land and raise my family on a warm sunny island. And it just be us for awhile.

30. I hope to learn more and love more in the next 30 years. And live to see my grand babies be born.

I miss her today...everyday really.

As I reflect a lot lately on my mom and her life, I can't help but feel closer to her than ever. Sometimes when we lose loved ones, especially in our immediate family, it disrupts our natural life course. It feels that way in moments. Like we somehow got ripped off. These days still linger, don't get me wrong. But they are fewer and far between as I get older and find more understanding. And within my mom's legacy, she left little snippets of her heart all around me. Like this sweet journal entry I read today. Today is no particular day. Not the anniversary of her death, not her birthday, not a favorite holiday of hers, just a day I'm thinking of her. Missing her. And as I read this and read the pride and love,all encompassing love, she had for her children, I feel close to her again. Like I know, really know that feeling now. Even after 15 years of not hearing her voice, smelling her fragrance, touching her hands (she had the most beautiful hands), I feel closer than ever. We share motherhood now. Not here on earth but in our hearts. The heart of a mother. With my children so close to the age of my brother and I as she wrote this, I feel like expressing the same things. Only I wish it was her I was talking to, not writing it to a blog. But hey, it's all I can do. My mom was rad. This would be an understatement. Most amazing wife, mother and friend someone could have. I know this. But most of all, I read and feel her love today on this small piece of paper. And it's true and real. An it keeps her memory so very much alive in my heart and for my own children. I miss her more than I will ever be able to express here. But there will always be these moments that for whatever reason I feel her closer than ever. Call it a feeling, whatever. I know she is. With me at Disneyland with my children. With me when my heart is heavy with the worries of a mother. Next to me while I scramble for the many answers to the 1000's of questions my girls have for me every single day. Laughing along with me, in spirit, when the girls say completely inappropriate things and it's all I can do to not spank their little bums. She gave me my motherhood and I hope and pray to pass along her's to my girls through the memory of her.

Hey there Stranger..

Bay and I enjoying some QT @ the beach.

It's been awhile.

I know, I know.

I've even received a few phone calls to make sure I was alive.

I'm alive.

Barely.

To be honest,

this past year has been rough for me.

For a couple reasons.

One of those reasons is

my health.

Am I dying?

No, well, yes, someday right?

I hope this doesn't scare ya but you know we are all gonna go one day, right?

I have had a ton of health mysteries.

From my surgery in Jan.

to

a possible celiac scare

to

a long drawn out way to find out I had

a staph infection.

MIS-ER-ABLE!

To now...

I still have no answers.

I'm still sick,

being tested (in more ways than one)

for what it could be now.

On yet another round of

meds.

4 to be exact.

I'm utterly exhausted.

My body

spirit

mind

soul

wants to quit.

And all I can think about is

dying.

I know it sounds so morbid.

But when you have been sick for

a

straight

YEAR

then maybe you can come correct

and challenge that.

Until then, just listen.

I also think a ton about my mom.

Then I feel like a total baby.

Like suck it up sister,

you mom was sick

for years.

And years.

So then I do.

Suck it up!

Or at least I try.

And go cry in the privacy of my own bathroom,

being quiet enough so the girls don't hear.

But I'm not a quiet cry 'r.

Another revelation I've had..

Your health,

your

GOOD

SWEET

PERFECT

HEALTH and those of your loved ones

is

completely

PRICELESS!

100%

And you don't even get a

chance to really truly

appreciate that

gift

really until you have been

constantly sick.

Day in, Day out.

All of these things are

floating through my head daily.

I am literally hanging in there.

Like you know when some one

says that to you,

'Just hangin in there'..

Believe them.

Because they problay really are.

By a thread.

Signing out for now..