Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I miss her today...everyday really.

As I reflect a lot lately on my mom and her life, I can't help but feel closer to her than ever. Sometimes when we lose loved ones, especially in our immediate family, it disrupts our natural life course. It feels that way in moments. Like we somehow got ripped off. These days still linger, don't get me wrong. But they are fewer and far between as I get older and find more understanding. And within my mom's legacy, she left little snippets of her heart all around me. Like this sweet journal entry I read today. Today is no particular day. Not the anniversary of her death, not her birthday, not a favorite holiday of hers, just a day I'm thinking of her. Missing her. And as I read this and read the pride and love,all encompassing love, she had for her children, I feel close to her again. Like I know, really know that feeling now. Even after 15 years of not hearing her voice, smelling her fragrance, touching her hands (she had the most beautiful hands), I feel closer than ever. We share motherhood now. Not here on earth but in our hearts. The heart of a mother. With my children so close to the age of my brother and I as she wrote this, I feel like expressing the same things. Only I wish it was her I was talking to, not writing it to a blog. But hey, it's all I can do. My mom was rad. This would be an understatement. Most amazing wife, mother and friend someone could have. I know this. But most of all, I read and feel her love today on this small piece of paper. And it's true and real. An it keeps her memory so very much alive in my heart and for my own children. I miss her more than I will ever be able to express here. But there will always be these moments that for whatever reason I feel her closer than ever. Call it a feeling, whatever. I know she is. With me at Disneyland with my children. With me when my heart is heavy with the worries of a mother. Next to me while I scramble for the many answers to the 1000's of questions my girls have for me every single day. Laughing along with me, in spirit, when the girls say completely inappropriate things and it's all I can do to not spank their little bums. She gave me my motherhood and I hope and pray to pass along her's to my girls through the memory of her.

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