A day in the Life

My day often looks like this:

It can be slow to start.But is quickly filled with color and wonder and never ending questions.Some remain unanswered.I stand in awe and am encouraged to move forward.

This is what my teaching week looks like.
{Prepping is my key to success}

This is what home educating looks like.
{ Beautiful,nerves,and all.It's glorious in all it's chaos}

This is what your dreams look like in your daughters eye's.
{Passion for what they love and the movement that MOVES them}

This is what Momma Zo needs to keep going.
{ Water is life,Drink it up}
More often.

This is what a servant's heart looks like.
{Sisterly Love at it's finest}

This is what P.E. looks like.
{Horseback riding in the warm sunshine of the afternoon}

This is what Art class looks like.
{Shredded scarfs and Love banners}

But right now,what it {looks} like is this: Laundry growing legs,dishes not doing themselves,momma Zo down and out for the count with the worst ***TMI ALERT*** UTI.Ever! Swimming lessons that won't quit for a sick day.
I survived this week.
That's all.
Carry on...

Things change...Roll with me

I really don't know where to begin.I try and think when things change, do I remember the moment?Was there a moment? Or is it many many moments that created the change.Such is my life today.One MAJOR change rocking my tiny little space in this world right now is......Homeschooling! Oh yay, I said that dirty word.Life changing right? I bet you gasped when you read it too.Maybe you are already thinking of funny clever homeschooling jokes about how weird the kids are who (suffer) in homeschool.Am I right?!
Well friends I am here today to shed a different light on what homeschooling can be.
Cheesy,yes but so very true.
I have heard mom's say the most awful things about kids that are schooled at home,my friends included.We are so quick to judge as mothers when we aren't in the shoes to be forced to consider other options.I want to change that.
I should start with how (I) we came to the decision of homeschooling.There were of course many factors.One of which I casually dismissed in conversation at first with Carys.She started asking last year if I would ever teach her from home.I literally laughed at loud,cracked jokes at myself on how if she thought momma was tough now,being her teacher she might be miserable.Yet,she insisted I would be fab.My little optimist,oh how I love her.Then a biggie hit our family,like many others I'm sure,and unfortunately we had to sell very first home back in AZ.It still kind of makes me sick thinking about it to this day and the residual effects from it still linger.Like the taxes,double ugggggg.So enter that as factor two. I almost feel like we were doomed since our move back to CA.I mean, don't get me wrong, things happen but our family could use a itty bitty break.At some point.So we rallied through last year and all it's financial woes and arrived in the middle of factor number three.I debated on just how to describe these next chain of events because I truly think they deserve their own post/explanation but I'll sum them up quickly.Last year was rough on Carys within her social circle at school.She was involved in a bullying incident,which she participated in and I gave her the definition of what she was doing and this crushed her.She broke away from of a couple of the girls also involved,made a change of heart and way and paid a hefty price for it.Things escalated between the girls and the moms and by the end of the school year Carys was so devastated.I was begging and bribing her to finish out the year.I now feel as though I threw her to the wolves.There were many opportunities for me as her Momma to step in and say what was right and wrong.Instead all I did was watch,give her what I believed was kind and proper dialogue to communicate and hope and pray it worked.I didn't want to be a "helicopter mom".I knew there would be things she needed to go through.This was NOT one of those times.
I failed miserably.And so did she.
And after seeing what one of the mothers was capable of,on and off campus,without consequence from the school,it became the straw that broke the camels back.
Dissapointment doesn't quite cover it.But then again it was all part of the bigger plan that was not my own from the beginning. This is where it gets better....
I should also mention that Baylie Shaye was meant to go back.So she started Monday and all is well in the land of 1st grade. Deep breathe now.
So over the summer,after much information,talking to other moms who teach from home and praying, we (I) made my decision.
But this is where once I said an internal Yes! The crazy {amazing-meant-to-be}things started happening....Follow this..
Ready? Ok....So this is how you know it's meant to be....
A year earlier I was sitting in church and passing the tithing bucket to my left and this woman next to me grabs my face and calls me by my first name.It was my kindergarden teacher.I hadn't seen her in,well,um,20 plus years.We started chatting and I found out she was still teaching at a homeschool charter school in our area.Food for thought at the time,nothing more.Nothing less.
Fast forward a year, having gone through all of the above and more that will remain unlisted for now,while vetting different homeschool programs, I find out one I am seriously looking into she (my kinder teacher)is teaching at and teaching/overseeing grade 3,Carys grade! My kinder teacher would be Carys teacher.Bonus!And the principal was my 3rd grade teacher,Double bonus.Third grade was a crazy year for me.It happened to be the first year my mom got sick,from cancer,so my parents became quite close to her and so did I.
Also our neighbors directly behind us homeschool their son who is a year older than Carys .Carys and their son,Christopher,play so well together and his mom has been such a great resource,support and encouragement throughout this process.
And finally I had a very heartfelt, lovely and encouraging meeting with Carys would be teacher this year at her former school.Sam and I were majorly bummed on missing out on her this year.But she is so available for any question I may have this year and was so understanding after chatting.So you see had these events happened any other way,I might have dug my heels in a bit more.I believe I listened and heard the needs of my daughter above my own (wants).I believe this will bring Carys and I closer and stronger together than ever before.I believe this year will grow us both in ways we can't even imagine.The peace of this major decision being made rests firmly in God's hands.Motherhood is a major trip people.It brings me to my knees on the daily and back up again the next second.I
Will try and keep you posted on the Ups and Downs,What works and doesn't and if I am still hanging in there.Ha!
Here's to homeschooling,
Holla!

My sweet girl,
I promise that this will be our adventure together.
Me and you.
This is our time to grow and learn
More about each other.
I love you with my whole heart
And I want you to know that.
Really truly know.
You are beautiful
And important
And kind.
Thank you for taking this
Crazy chance with me too.
This life is so rad with you in it.
Xoxo

Be Courgeous

Dear Carys,
As you end this school year, I want you to carry a few words of encouragement in your heart from mine.
Be kind.Even when it's not easy or does not seemly come naturally.You can change no one.But your ability to change others by your kindness will reward you more than you realize.
Listen more and talk less.This may prove harder at times than you think.But there is a reason we have 2 ears and one mouth.Sometimes people just want us to listen.And that can be more important than any word of encouragement we think might help in the moment.
Be strong.Your faith in GOD will be tested.You may think He has left you,but this is NEVER true.Don't ever believe that.He may be the quiet whisper in your heart.He is there.He is real.Just listen in the stillness.I promise you He hears the your sweet call.
Be loving.This means you may need to love those who will never love you back.This might make you feel broken.I will be there to hold you through your brokenness. But never let it make you feel bitter.Rise above and hold that sweet head of yours high.And know who you were created to be.In the image of Christ.
Be forgiving.Forgive quickly.Forgive easily.Forgive often.Because this will only create more love in your heart.It will grow your soul in ways you can never describe.
Be generous with your time.Give freely what you have to others.Find ways to help someone every single day.This will fill your heart with true joy.
Be thoughtful.I know it's easy to think about yourself sometimes, especially when life is pressing in on you from all sides.You feel defeated.But hold onto the thoughtful
Heart you have for others.
Learn to not sweat the small stuff.Because when you grow up,you will have plenty of really,really,BIG STUFF to handle.Enjoy your childhood and all that it has for you.The playground,warm days and ice cream.Your first crush and your best friend.Your favorite movie and your favorite pair of flips flops.
And always know,your soft place,your home is here with me.You make me so proud and humbled as your momma.

An open letter....For Carys

Carys,my sweet tender-hearted girl,

I love you so much.I always want you to know this first.
You are kind.You are precious.You are thoughtful.You are in tune with others feelings.You are loving.You are most beautiful when you are these things.You are more than I deserve.

You have been on my heart and mind lately.I think about you all day and pray for your heart to be protected.I pray for strength and courage to surround you in rough waters.I know you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.And you constantly try to figure out what would make (things)right.But all I want you to do Carys, is enjoy being 8 years old.Play on the playground,run,pick flowers,snuggle your dog,paint,dance(because you are a beautiful dancer)ride your bike.Just enjoy life sweet pea.Be a little girl.And tell mommy what I can do to help you do this.Ok?...Promise....Maybe I can take you out on a little date soon and we can just be super Girly together,sound like fun?

I could see it in your eyes today that your little spirit was down.Let me carry some of that heart stuff for you.Please let me in and carry it all.I promise to be strong enough for you.

I want to see Joy again in your sweet blue eyes.I want to see those freckles dance across your smiling cheeks.Oh...and that laugh...I want to hear that too.

Can we just keep you little for a little longer,pretty please? Think about it CareBear....

Momma loves you,Daddy adores you so hang in there kiddo...

Jailbait

I took Bay straight to Kid Jail.Ok,no not really but close enough.Gasp,right?I do not play around with idol threats to my girls.I'm a tough momma for sure.But I am in love with my girls too.It's a tough job but I do it best as I can. As I sifted through photo's to post here,I laughed at some of Bay's expressions .So fitting with that mischievous grin plastered on her sweet mug.Well like a I mentioned weeks ago,I have been dealing with a kleptomaniac.Hi,my name is Zoe and my 5 year old is a klepto,can you help me please?After going through a total humiliating experience with my youngest recently,I knew what I had to do.Kid Jail it was!She was taking things,she told me, because she liked them.Really kid? Your room looks like the pretend dress up/Barbie/American girl doll rows at ToysRUs threw up in it.You want for nothing.So I loosely threatened taking her to the police station if she decided to steal again.

Well apparently she wanted to see if I was fo real...And I am.So to the Seaside Police station we went after school one day.One this particular day she decided to smuggle some classmates lunch under her sleeping mat during nap time.So I had to follow through.Carys came along for the ride.I can't tell you what she was thinking but I was hoping I wasn't setting myself up for some Dr.Phil moment 25 yrs from now.Like I damaged her in some way by doing this.I quieted those thoughts and walked into the police station.One child sobbing, the other casually eating an apple.As we approached the counter, the woman behind the glass glanced down at Bay,whose was crying.The woman buckled her lip down and said,Awwwwww as she saw her tears. I said No No, can we speak to a police officer please maam? We need to have a talking to about Stealing.She quickly collected herself,smiled,nodded and said Absolutely!I knew I was supported right then and there.I mean,I pay taxes so I should be able to get my own personal police officer for 10 minutes right? She came around and asked Bay to please be seated and a police officer would be right out.Bay found a seat in the station,sat down and cried as quietly as she could,head down. Now, you must know, at this point I am totally freaking out.Questioning my goal in all of this.Am I wrong? Am I being to serious? Will I damage her in some way later in life for this? Will I be forced to pay for her adult thearpy for this? Questions flooded my thoughts.So I prayed.There is not much else you can do in such helplessness. Prayed that the lesson here would be something she understood.Prayed that she would know how much I truly loved her through all of this.Prayed for the lesson to be learned.And as funny as this prayer is to say/write aloud, I honestly prayed for the police officer who would be talking with her to look and speak like her daddy.The reason: Because Bay and Carys' daddy is in absolute love with his girls.Speaks kindly yet firm.A talent or gift rather I do not possess.I wanted someone that wouldn't totally freak her out and possibly make her pass out.

So who walks through the door 5 minutes later....If Sam were a cop, this is what he would look like in uniform.It was classic.I think I evened laughed a little when I saw this man walk up to us.Crazy the things God does sometimes.He got down on one knee,introduced himself to Bay and myself.Asked us what was going on.I filled him in on the details of stealing and he took it from there.He told Bay about his little girl,who was her age.Talked about why she was taking things that didn't belong to her.What would happen if she kept doing those things.He was kind and gentle, yet firm and authoritive.He could not have been more perfect for this situation.As he spoke I insisted that she look at him in the eyes.She did, tears streaming down.I sat next to Bay the entire time, rubbing her back and holding her hand. I wanted her to know I would love her through this.But I needed back up this time,no pun intended.

We left the police station that day.I'm sure all of our thoughts were all over the place.But I hope the lesson was bigger than the consequence that happened. I want my girls to know I mean business.I want them to know I love them so much, I will do most anything to prove it. I want them to respect others property and honor others.As we got back in the car,I cried.Hard and long.That had drained my spirit.The girls listened quietly from the back as I sobbed on the steering wheel.I collected myself and emotion and left it there,in that parking lot.I wanted it to be done.Forgiven and forgotten.The girls needed that too.Closure.

We have had no other stealing cases since.I believe that what I did was what needed be done.Bay has an awareness now of the concept of stealing and the consequences that follow now.But at the end of the day, what she knows most of all, is that she is loved.

Losing it...

This is me. Momma Zo. I'm proud to say I've lost 20 plus lbs. and feeling good. Slowly but surely getting it back. It feels so good. Just thought I'd share. It's been a long goal of mine to get back into shape since I had the girls. Well nothing motivates more than realizing my (babies) are 8 and almost 6 and I have no excuses left. This year I will be training for my very first half marathon and kicking my butt into high gear. I have this crazy feeling that 32 will be an amazing age to Bring it! Wish me luck!

it's NOT about ME anymore....

There came a point of epiphany over the last week for me as a mom. You know, that moment where thoughts, events, small little moments that seemed so small at the time, all come together to align and make complete sense? Ok, maybe it's just me, but humor me still ok? I had been thinking alot about my sweet Carys. She was turning 8 years old and I had planned nothing. And felt even more guilty because the things that I had planned(in my mind) fell through before they came to fruition. And she was getting restless with the lack there of. And I started to think about why her birthday seems to get harder to celebrate, for me, every year. And these thoughts and feeling flooded me....

First, I thought naturally of the day of her 'Birth'. And I cry at the thought of it every time. And not your normal, mommy-had-the-most-euphoric-experience-it-was-all-heaven cry. Like I wish I could forget that day all together.....and the 42 days that followed.I think of how horrified I was to have to say 'See you later' just 8 hours after delivery and watch the flight nurses take her away. While I stay in the hospital, alone, for an excruciating 48 hours after until I got released to be with her again. Then I wanna puke at that thought of living in a Family house, 3 blocks from the hospital she stayed in after recovering from surgery. I could go on but I won't. I relive it way too much anyway. My memory of these events will NEVER fade. Unfortunately. So I came to the conclusion I consciously dread her birthday. On purpose. because to ME, there was nothing to celebrate that day. For ME. As her mom.

Then I think of the devastating effects of going through all that, without my own mom. And I get really pissed off. So I don't go there often. But I needed her there. Enough said. I think of the isolating post par tum I suffered, in silence, for years after Carys was born. At times resenting her, like she had done something to ME. To make ME this way. Our mother/Daughter relationship suffered deeply for this way of thinking.

Only until Baylie-Shaye was born that I realized just how sick I had been all these years following Carys birth. How much Carys had suffered from an emotionally absent mom, who went through the motions of motherhood, like something tragic would end it at any point. Keeping my distance from my first born daughter like it was my duty to protect her in that way.

Fast forward, 8 years, to last week. When all these emotions and feelings come rumbling around the corner every September. And it finally hit ME.....Like a brick wall, if you will. Overwhelming me with clarity I have never known about Carys or myself.

September 15th....is NOT about ME anymore. It never was. It was never MY birthday to relive. It was hers. Carys Marie. It is her beautiful story , for me to tell, with love and compassion, kindness and devotion. It is NOT about ME. She has suffered too long with the dark clouds of that day. And all because of me. Because I drag my feet in planning her special day because it makes me sad. Because I dread remembering that day. I don't like talking about it. But again, it's NOT about me. I never got past the heartbreak of that day. And I pulled the sweetest child into that, in some way, tainting it for her too. Now that made me sick to my stomach thinking about it that way. But it was the truth. And I needed to acknowledge it as truth to move out of that part of the story. Because there is a beautiful story to be written someday about Carys and I. A beautiful story of how we met and grew to know and love each other to where we are today. Now I've only known this sweet girl of mine for 8 years now. But I know her best. And I love her best too. Because she is a gift and I know this to be true.

So Happy 8th birthday my sweet Carys.

I'm a luckier than you to know you.

You are the most loyal and kind soul

I have ever met.

Thank you for always loving me.

Love, Mom

And I did learn new things about this rad girl named Carys over the weekend. She loves glitter.More than I gave her credit for.

She also loves treasures of all sorts. The more the better. Smaller things are more valued.She keeps everything (borderline hoarder) but still cute. Handwritten cards, erasers,stamps, stickers,jewelry, you name it, you will find it here in the closet.

Even her wardrobe changed over night. We actually went on our 1st shopping trip of her life over the weekend as a part of her birthday present. I don't take my girls shopping, shot me know right? I don't, and I don't think little people, with no job or income, can dictate their wardrobe choices. So in an effort to keep that up, I will do a once a year Birthday Shopping trip, where they can pick something they love. Give it a monetary limit but their choice, NOT MINE. And this is what she picked out. She actually wanted to just go with me(daddy was kinda sad) and told me she liked clothes with a "POP"! Her choice of word, not mine. I about died. Well these pop baby.

And Hats! She loves Hats! We have a collection starting. We had a blast that day. She told me it was the best day of her life. And after all that I had been thinking about, she couldn't have said it better and made it more worth it. While the greatness of that day might fade or be trumped by a more awesome event in the future, I will take it. Take it and make sure that HER day stays about HER for the rest of her life and mine.

And they're off....

1st day of school tradition (Breakfast in bed) I just love their bed head & Morning faces!

All decked out in their uniforms! YAY!

Can you tell I've started crying about this yesterday?(Lots of waterproof masscara/concealor ;) I miss them already.

Bay-Shaye Big Kindergardner! Yikes!

Carys, the 2nd grader, OMGEE!

She started school this morning,
And she seemed so very small.
As I walked there beside her
In the MBCS Kindergarten hall.

And as she took her place beside
the others in the class,
I realized how all too soon
Those first few years can pass.

Remembering, I saw her as
She first learned how to walk.
The words that we alone made out
When she began to talk.

This little girl so much absorbed
In learning how to write.
It seems as though she must have grown
To girlhood overnight.

My eyes blurred so quickly
I brushed the tears away
Lest by some word or sign of mine
I ruin her first Big Day.

Oh how I longed to stay with her
And keep her by the hand
To lead her through the places
That she couldn’t understand.

And something close to fear
Was mingled with my pride.
I knew she would no longer be
A baby by my side.

But she must have her chance to live,
To work her problems out,
The privilege to grow and learn
And discover what God is all about.

And so I must share my little girl
With friends and work and play;
She’s not a baby anymore –
She’s in Kindergarten today.

Dear Parents, Please enjoy this small gift from the PTF as you watch your new Kindergartener find their place here today. 'Dry' your eyes, 'Calm' your hearts and rest in some 'Hugs & Kisses' as they set out on a new adventure here @ Monterey Bay Christian. God Bless you & Have a glorious & peaceful day.

( This was the poem, along with some things to comfort moms and dads this morning as they also dropped off their babies, I came up with). Wowzer, what a morning!

This morning was like being thrown in the deep end of the pool, not knowing how to swim. Sam and I dropped our girls off today for their 1st day of school. Carys starts 2nd grade and Bay enters Kinder. Wow, how did that happen? And all I can think about is how much I complained over the last 8 years about how hard this motherhood thing was and how I can't wait til they get into school, blah blah blah.... I'm annoyed with myself now. I wished this day would come and now I want to wish this day back 5 more years. I walked my baby into kinder this morning, sick to my stomach. I missed her even before I said goodbye. The saying is true. Be careful what you wish for mama's. Life is so very short. So now it's all I can do to keep myself together today, figure out just what the heck I do from here, finish some laundry of course and what.... wait til 3pm.Ha! And all I could think this morning when driving home is how badly I wanted to call my mom and tell her about this day and have her calm me down. Talk me off the ledge I just fell off mom,paaalease! Instead, I write. Pray. Think how blessed I've been to raise these sweet babies of mine. What a true gift children are, cliche, NO! Just a sweet gift to make this journey a little better. But I am sad, my heart literally hurts today. I feel broken. But I know this is a new journey for me as well. Whats next, I may not know but I do know this, it's a wonderful ride.

A Serious Whack-a-Doo!

Ok, lets talk CRAZY MOM's for just a minute. Now not the 'NO MORE WIRE HANGERS' crazy mom. More like the 'let's pretend we are in high school again and be really, really immature/gossip and then ignore everything altogether' crazy mom.

'Bless their hearts', as my great Grama Ruby would say, in her Oklahoma accent. Sometimes saying 'Bless their hearts' is like saying they are 'Beauties' too. It's a term thrown around this house a lot. Sounds like a term of endearment but really it means the exact opposite. Marinate on that for a second.

Anyway, I have had a very interesting year with one such mother. The story is quite sad but I guess I'm throwing it out there to make sure, that I'm not that Whack-a Doo, at the end of the day,I guess? Imagine that right? HA!

There were many red flags throughout the year with this particular woman. Like maybe the first was the FB post she threw up one day calling (but not naming) my daughter a mean girl while a precession of her friends began to flood her comments with things like what a crappy mom this little girl must have and someone should take this little girl out on the playground and show her 'something' mean ect. I don't know, but maybe that should have been the last chance but....in fairness.. I decided to let her know that was unacceptable, never to do that again and come and talk to me about it if there was ever a next time. In person. Like what grown ups do and I would handle it appropriately. But then again fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. The second time was a bit more awkward. After a scheduled play date with her daughter, Carys comes home to tell us about her time. Which included many trips to the park, alone, without parent supervision but she(the crazy mom) sent her teenage son with them for good measure. Whom I have never met. Then took the girls to a birthday party, of one of their friends, whom I also don't know while previously telling me this was a different event. There have many many other things too. But I think the final blow was a more recent incident, that I became the middle man in. I tried to stay out of it altogether but ended up getting deleted from this persons FB (THANK GOD) what a blessing in disguise. But now I'm getting the silent treatment for something that I didn't do. I've tried reaching out but get no response.

So here is the question.... when our children enter school, motherhood becomes a different playing field. How do we adapt to the new game and rules, while still maintaining some self respect and playing fair? When dealing with a grown adult, who becomes unreasonable, rude, childish,disrespectful, the list goes on, where do you draw the line, while still keeping the peace. I mean, this family will be around for years to come and I, as a mother, don't want my daughters life to be a living hell at school with this parent or child. The old me wanted to take her out to the playground and handle it like I was back in high school. Only a small part, but a part nonetheless. But most of me, really truly, just wanted to resolve it. Clear it up privately, which I offered, and be done with it. The older I get, the more I would rather just get it out and over with. Mind you, this woman is at least 5/10 years my senior. Which is even more disappointing.

This whole situation has bothered me so much but I know that I have made my place known. I remain open and willing to talk but still am baffled by the response or rather, lack there of.

So what do you do my friends? How do we get along on and off the playground? Should the expectation of parents be to actually act like adults?

Are we doomed to be Frenemies?

Am I a Whack-a-Doo?

Help!

For Christmas...

Carys says to me last night...' Mom, for Christmas, I want God to give me 2 things. Wisdom and Love in my heart'.

(What do I do with that?)

Oh my sweet girls heart overflows

and

overwhelms me.

Everyday.

Vegas pt.1

Vegas Trip! What fun it was. My dear friend Brenda got hooked up for her birthday this year. And we all had the privilege of joining her. Her hubby called me months in advance to plan this all girls getaway for her. And even pulled off the surprise up until she got to the airport with him and saw us all sitting there. With HUGE smiles on our faces. Needless to say, there were tears! She was floored. And I came prepared.

I packed all the girls on the trip 'Survive Vegas gift bags'! They were kind of a BIG HIT! They were chalked full of the following:

Ibuprofen

5 hour energy drink

gum

Fun drink glasses

2 small shots of Vodka/Tequila

Lip gloss

Tums

Then I made all the girls Martini zipper bags and matching tanks. We were happy gals.

Me, Lara and Bren Vegas 2010

We have these yummy Pomegranate Mojitos ! OMG!

More yummy flavors...

And if I had the bucks to blow... I would have blown em on these gold stunners. I'm sure I'd break my neck in them but they sure did make me feel fantastic! All sparkle!

Mean Girl Moms

Dear (Grown up) mean girl mom,

Hi! Ummm... I'm the mom that says Hiya to you every time time I see you at school. You remember me right? I'm sure I look familiar. We have been taking our children to the same preschool now for 3 years. Strange isn't it. So it would be kinda hard to deny you seeing me at this point wouldn't it? I just have a couple quick questions for you. Did I do something to offend you or do you usually carry around that 'eat shit' look on your face all. the. time? Totally weird right? I mean, you just look super pissed all the time and I was just wondering if I had anything at all to do with that. If not, then would you mind telling me why you blatantly ignore me when I make eye contact smile and say Hello?

....I kid you not... I've dreamed of actually saying this. I'm tempted. Truly.