Gossip

Gossip. It's one of those words, things, goings on that I cringe at. Not because I don't participate in it in some way or another either. It's just gross. It's justified. There are usually reasons behind it. People make up the craziest excuses for it too. Which sometimes, I myself, will buy into. Hook,line,sinker. It destroys relationships. Trust within families. It simply creates chaos. So the buck stops here folks.

I have experienced recently a couple of interactions with people that reason and/or justify this disease of Gossip. One of which used the (reason/excuse/justification) of family. And it's NOT gossip if it's being spoken of within the family. Kind of a Mob-like mentality. But I had to give her credit. I almost believed her. Then I looked it up in the bible, took it to my therapist (a safe place) and ran it over with my husband. There was some excellent feedback. None of which agreed with or second the notion that, if kept in the family, IT was NOT gossip.

Whew! And I thought I was going crazy. And there was nothing complicated either about seeking the truth in this statement. God is good like that. Simple. To the point.

Gossip is gossip. Period.

I remember going to this retreat this year with a good friend and one of the women speaking was teaching on the prodigal son. It was the last day we were there and she began belting out all these 'Stupid Rules' vs. ' God Rules'.

And one of those rules referenced gossiping in a strange and funny way. Where we as Christians, will often gossip with in the perimeters of praying. So like for example...You say to your BFF, Oh we should pray for so-n-so, she is really struggling (a common term used in the christian faith to describe some screwing up and or making or participating in poor life choices).So in this situation, it's totally justified because it's within the context of 'praying'. Can't even tell ya how many times I've been in both situations with that one. It's so gross it makes me wanna take a shower and scrub it all off. Stupid Rule!!!!

Stupid!

Stupid!

Stupid!

This retreat helped me recognize these stupid rules. Made me more aware of Truth verses Opinion.

In the end, these recent situations have my little head spinning with thoughts, scriptures and prayer. I know I am NOT above this. I fail in this particular area. Alot! Maybe that's why I'm am becoming acutely aware of it in my life and out of the mouths of folks close to me as well. So I am sharing this to provoke your heart along with mine to help stop this terrible disease we call gossip. In it's tracks. Done. Who's with me?

Motherless Mother

This picture caputures the infectious laugh Carys was born to share. It comes on slow and by the time she winds up it over takes me and I end up sharing in a good deep laugh with her. No matter how hard the day has been.

I heard the term 'motherless mother' the other day and it struck a cord with me. Not because I pity the person who fits this term but it rang true for me. And truth is simple. I AM a motherless mother. I am one who confides and seeks advice from many others. Other than my mom. She does not come visit after my children are born. She does not cook dinners for me when I'm sick and helpless. She does not chit chat with me and allow me to vent on my trials as a mom myself. She does not pick up the phone. Let alone have a direct line. Her voice is quiet. Sometimes out of reach. I ache for her gently hug and kiss on my forehead letting me now this too shall pass and everything, everything will be ok. She does not come from afar for long visits, pedicures and shopping adventures with me. She does not feel the warmth of her granddaughters hugs or laughter. As much as she is missing, I am longing for her. For just 5 minutes of her time. Only if that were possible. My journey as a mom is forever changed. Altered. I have yet to met one person who understands this place in life.

Yet I almost don't want to met someone in my shoes. Who feels this loneliness like me. Without a mother. I understand I am not who I would be with her. But I do know how wonderfully made I am, through Jesus, without her. He has transformed the person I used to be, while her daughter in life, for something bigger for my girls than I could ever imagine. So while days come and go, I still miss her. Mostly her voice and smell. I know I am a better mom because she was once here. Through her death, I enjoy these two beauties you see here. Thank you mom.

Where have I been?

What a week. My hubbs left for work/fun trip to GA last Sat and I have been up and down ever since. I am no baby when it comes to being alone with my girls. I mean I took them on a 14 day road trip to AZ and back, I'm no weenie. But this past week has basically put me in my place. This is just a brief run down up the haps' here since Sam and been gone. Walk with me now...
Saturday of last week we had soccer in the AM along with my dad coming over to lend a helping hand. Thank goodness. He bought us dinner and just hung out for the evening. It's always nice to just be with him. And it was nice to have some sort of reinforcement with dad away. Sunday I just hung out at home until the late afternoon and headed out to hidden valley for some dinner with grama Helen. And the girls got to see Pop's chickens. What an experience that was. We saw deer and coyotes and all things nature while visiting.
The grind began on Mon with lunches and errons to collect things for our Halloween costumes this year. We are going as the Flinstones and I began to sew all but one costume by myself. Holy smokes I will def. start earlier next year. Drop offs and pick ups throughout the week between the 2 girls is exhausting. Seriously now I know why all those hot little single mama's out there look so...well.. HAUTE. because they don't have time to eat.
There has been alot personally going on with me and when it rains, it pours on me. It's my lot in life not a pity party is all. I miss my mom alot lately. That comes in doses these days and getting through Oct has been more difficult that I expected. The longings of my baby that never was wanders through my mind as the 13th came and went. I expect no one to remember that but that will never escape me. I wanted to hold and smell that new baby so bad. Not this year. And the emotions swirl in my head of thoughts of more children? Yes? or No? This new season of my life has begun with both girls in school and getting more involved with extra activities keeps me busy and pre occupied most of the time. But late at night I sit and my mind sets adrift of all my hearts 'what if's'. It saddens and comfort me all in the same breathe.And my sweet small little family has suffered such sorrow in it's short life and the question to God has changed for me. Instead of 'Why me Lord?' 'Is this some sort of punishment Jesus?' It has transformed into 'What now?' ' What is next?' 'What will you do with this brokenness?' And I hear a soft whisper, very quietly. At night... saying  'Something great my sweet bride'. So I wait, I put one foot in front of the other and go. Forward now. Not back. However  much I miss the things that once were that brought me such sweet joy and comfort. There are new things that await and if I listen close I will hear Him. So in a nut shell it has been a long week, year, ect... But I keep on keeping on.
So my week has been full. Busy with the girls and waiting for Sam to come home tonight. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Breathe ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So bear with me and I'll keep you posted on the haps. Enjoy your family and your weekend.

Ok but seriously picture with me for a moment that instead of Uncle Sam's face you see here, put a picture of Jesus there, same everything, except it's with a Jesus face. Now, let me start of by saying I love Jesus. I believe He has the most incredible sense of humor and loves me more than anything (or is that only with me?) Whatever, He rocks. And recently He literally removed the enjoyment I had for smoking. Yes, people I am a closet smoker. Or I guess now I can say was as of approx. 4 months ago. Here's how it all went down. I obviously quit while I was prego. Duh?! But after our miscarriage I was having a rough night and decided to go buy a pack, hoping that would calm me, make me feel better, I don't really know. But I did it anyway. So after smoking the first one, I thought to myself, ewwww, that was gross. Which isn't like me. I truly loved smoking.Just keeping it real folks. So I decided to try another one thinking again to myself, maybe it was just bad because I haven't smoked in awhile and the second one will be better. Not so true. Almost worst than the first. Now I'm getting frustrated. So yup, you guessed it, tried yet another one. To yet still no satisfaction. Now by this time I am on my way home, it's late, no one is awake. I pull into the drive, almost mad that my old habit wasn't comforting me the way our 'relationship' had in the past. Like a scorned lover (of the cigarette). How ridiculous right?! But those were the thoughts people. So I give it one more finally go and after the first drag, I just started to laugh. Really laugh. Hard. And then found myself talking, out loud to God.Like you've got to be kidding me. Is this how it's going to end? There's no Big Day where I say, this will be the day I quit. You are telling me this is how it's all gonna end. Right here, right now. It's all still kind of comical now to think that's how my love affair with smoking ended. No one big blow out, just God simply removed it. Without warning or even telling me or preparing for that matter. Now I still have the craving to take up my old habit and I don't know if that will ever go away but the reminder that seems etched in my brain of the disgust I felt after smoking that night won't. And I guess at this point I am grateful for that the most. So when I saw this sign, I thought of Jesus and it reminded me of just how much He wanted me to 'allow' Him to remove that part of my life. And I did. And it feels better than I thought it would.