Motherless Mother

This picture caputures the infectious laugh Carys was born to share. It comes on slow and by the time she winds up it over takes me and I end up sharing in a good deep laugh with her. No matter how hard the day has been.

I heard the term 'motherless mother' the other day and it struck a cord with me. Not because I pity the person who fits this term but it rang true for me. And truth is simple. I AM a motherless mother. I am one who confides and seeks advice from many others. Other than my mom. She does not come visit after my children are born. She does not cook dinners for me when I'm sick and helpless. She does not chit chat with me and allow me to vent on my trials as a mom myself. She does not pick up the phone. Let alone have a direct line. Her voice is quiet. Sometimes out of reach. I ache for her gently hug and kiss on my forehead letting me now this too shall pass and everything, everything will be ok. She does not come from afar for long visits, pedicures and shopping adventures with me. She does not feel the warmth of her granddaughters hugs or laughter. As much as she is missing, I am longing for her. For just 5 minutes of her time. Only if that were possible. My journey as a mom is forever changed. Altered. I have yet to met one person who understands this place in life.

Yet I almost don't want to met someone in my shoes. Who feels this loneliness like me. Without a mother. I understand I am not who I would be with her. But I do know how wonderfully made I am, through Jesus, without her. He has transformed the person I used to be, while her daughter in life, for something bigger for my girls than I could ever imagine. So while days come and go, I still miss her. Mostly her voice and smell. I know I am a better mom because she was once here. Through her death, I enjoy these two beauties you see here. Thank you mom.