Own It

(Mama Zo, bay, Carys )

(Crazy girls)

It's every so often I look through pictures of my girls and fall in love with them all over again. Now I'm not saying I don't LOVE them every.single.day. Yes, that goes without saying but like, really fall head over heels in love with these two. I mean some days, I want to drop them off in the toy section at Target and wonder off but I don't. I control the urge. But today, looking over our summer so far and seeing the memories captured on film just makes me feel complete ,well almost...

Part of me wants to believe that.Believing that this is my family.These sweet, yummy things that are mine to nurture and love and care over.But that would be such a lie. I love these faces. More than an word in the English language could describe.But I would be a bold faced liar if I get asked 'The Question' again....

'Are you planning on having any more children?'That question used to haunt me, like the frickin plague. No serious, it's really no fun to stumble for words, to claw at an answer that isn't even true for so many years. Complete B.S! I would make up the most redunkulous excuses as to why Sam and I weren't planning on anymore. You name it, I said it. Proudly and matter-of-fact too. Like I had full intentions of believing my own lies too. I gave into the fear based thoughts that I was not meant to have any more children. And if I did, I was being selfish, because as every woman I met pointed out, I HAD 2 beautiful girls, what was I complaining about anyway? Really,shame on me right?And if anything I KNEW all too well what the worst was...

The worst was all too familiar to me. I could smell the worst from miles away. They were my nearest and dearest nightmares. And if I tried to forget them, well I could always count on some inappropriate person asking or prodding my fertility for Q&A. Why did you miscarry the 1st time? (insert GASP here) And the 2nd and the 3rd? Did they tell you why? Well there must be a reason right? Believe me I thought of many totally foul things to counter back but never did. I sat, listened, answered best I could, still do and say nothing. Because truly I have no answers. And I'm ok with that today. Because I have let go of that fear that has made me a crazy person inside. Certifiably! Trust me. And I don't want to be her. That girl. Yuck!

Here's what I do know: I know God is Good. Even when it's BAD, really really really bad, God is STILL Good. And even if I cursed him, He still loves me, He is the constant, I am not. Nor are my circumstances. Fear is not from him.I know the worst that can happen is I'll miscarry again. Or have another tubal pregnancy (look it up, not good times at all). And if that happens, then I might not ever conceive naturally. Meaning without help. I know this all makes me really sad. And I know that's OK and normal. I know I DO have 2 amazing, smart, witty,beautiful daughters who fill my life with LIFE.I know I can never prepare myself for this happening again because that's not normal. People don't prepare to lose children. I know for the first time in 3 LOOONG years I actually got happy to hear someone I knew was 'expecting'. Genuinely happy. What a wonderful feeling not to wanna gauge the poor woman's eye balls out.I know that after talking to my sweet husband about the idea of having more children, he becomes my biggest fan and supporter in 'practising' HA! Go figure ;) I also know that I long to see those beautiful faces one day before my Father in Heaven. And I have no shame in that thought either. What a gift I have in eternity to KNOW that. And only there will I feel complete and whole again.

So these girls make me one lucky mama. Ahh yes! And I feel a burden of fear has lifted on this heart of mine to involve God more in the future of my motherhood. Rather than allowing fear based decisions dictate what our path is for this family of mine. More babies may or may not be in our future, I'm more ok with that than years past. But I believe I have a mighty God, who does more and knows my heart more than I ever could. For now, I am full and blessed and in the moment of this motherhood that has become such a gift.