Monday, September 17, 2012

Overwhelmed is an Understatment {Life & Homeschooling}

I woke up at 4am last Wednesday morning.Not because I had to or wanted to but because I just couldn't shut my mind off.It was loud.It was filled with worry,anxiety and could not be quieted.So I gave in,grabbed some coffee,which used to be an old friend of which we had a dramatic breakup.I came crawling back even though my relationship with it is abusive.I gave in.
My thoughts are loud,maybe rambling to you but need to be released.
I woke with guilt this morning.Mommy guilt.Guilt that suffocates me with quiet whispers of I will never be as kind as my own mom was,I don't show enough compassion,I have a quick and biting tongue and a partner who does no wrong and reminds me on the daily. I will never be as nice as him.As good as him.
It will never be home here.In this house.How do we thrive here when we have lost so much here.Yes, it is a roof over our heads.But that roof started to feel like a prison years ago. Heartbreak and debt are just some of the things we have collected here.Where do I put those things? I am so tired of compromising my values for my family to live here.With so many strings attached and a hole dug so deep, I think I've realized I lost my shovel and scissors.
Feeling like a work horse makes my self worth feel minimal.I mean really? How many hats can one woman wear before she starts feeling completely taken advantage of? I can take ownership of this too.Because lately the word No has been elusive.It hides behind Can't You figure it out Yourself?
What if I just left? Would these little people be taken care of? Couldn't I just swing a mommy getaway,unplug,re group,detoxify?Would anyone notice?
Would anyone really miss the crazy lady?
I am finding it way too easy to answer these questions.
Is that a bad sign?
I really NEED to stop volunteering for EVERY.SINGLE.THING.ASAP.
I mean I sometimes feel like I need to get a freakin grip.
Do you see now why I woke up at 4am?
I haven't trained for my half marathon like I should have.I a little disappointed in myself for that.
Homeschooling is nuts.I need to remind myself daily that I will survive this day and so will my daughter. Hopfully.
So today,I am going to focus on getting done what I can.Breathing. And coming to grips with the Truths and Falsehoods in the here and now.

This was my devotional today...How Ironic and poignant.

From Grace For The Moment
(Guard you Attitude)

The author writes about Mary and Martha and their attitudes about serving.And mentions "God is more pleased with the quiet attention of a sincere servant than the noisy service of a sour one."
Convicted much Momma Zo? Ouch!

Especially after where my heart has been with all the changes and challenges in our family lately.I thought I had been giving myself way too much credit,that I had this all down.
I was way off.
I am just thinking Today will be good and I will find the Good in it.
Whether that's feeling accomplished today with school or enjoying a {good} glass of vino at the end if it's not.
Either way, I WILL find the Good.

Trues Today:
*My family is healthy and I love them so much
*We had a wonderful weekend together at Alisal Ranch.
*My baby turned 9 on Saturday( oh yes, I did the math,halfway to 18,I died)
*Today is a Brand.New.Day Seize It!
I am {Not} my past. And will {choose} that everyday.


  1. And hopefully call a friend who misses you dearly very soon!!! xoxo!

  2. Vent. Write. Start fresh. You don't give yourself nearly enough credit.
    Love you always