Wednesday, January 20, 2010


It's quiet.
It's raining.
There is a soft hum from our bedroom of late night TV
The girls are out for the count
I should be too.
But I'm not. My heart is heavy.
And my mind is full.

It's been an eventful week for me.
For my husband. My sweet husband.
Who sometimes loves me more than I love him.
Which makes me even more heavy hearted tonight.
Too much emotion in this home.
And not the good kind.
Sadness, heartache, tears,alone.

But I have to release this.
It's not mine to carry anymore.
We lost another baby this year.
Again. I know.
3 years in a row. What gives Jesus?
Another scary thing to go through.

Surgery, hospitals, drugs, YUCK!
But no anger this time.
Feelings of emptiness, yes.
But there's something different this time.
A new emotion combined with a similar scenario.

It's not from me.
It's from HIM. The One who gave me life.
To begin with. A gift. Not a right.
To be gifted with life.
2 Beautiful, loving,sweet girls.
To recognize now how powerful that acknowledgement is.
As a Mom.

So a prayer answered.
I sat with Carys last night and told her.
By myself. My heartbreak.
I told her how special she is.To me.
Very Special. And I know that now.
Just how very special she is.
In tears.

She leaned over and petted my face.
She said, 'Mom, God will comfort you'.
I cried harder.
I know that now. I want Him to comfort her now.
Protect her. Love her. Be with her
She said,'Mom, now Grama Gaye gets to be a grama in heaven'.
More crying.

She understands.
But so do I.
They are precious gifts, not my right to have.
And they are special.
Not because I say so.
Because He says so.
So very special.

So I hug my sweet husband when he asks for a hug.
Like I mean it.
Because I do.
Mean to hug him.
More. And More. and More.
And Kiss. And Kiss. And Kiss. More Everyday.

So when you ask me if I'm ok.
I am. More than before.
I am different too.
These things change people.
I'm still sad, heartbroken too.
But not angry.
I have PEACE.

I will enjoy this home more.
The people in it.
My sweet family.
My dirty (smelly) dog.
Clean less.
Love more.

I will be grateful in this place.
And BE it.
Messy. Yes, I need more Messy in my life.
Those who know me will agree.

So I will get back to my home.
What a yummy place to be.
Right here. Right now.
Smells of warm laundry, vanilla candles and Sam.
Carys and Bay.
And me.


  1. I love you Zo! Praying for you guys:) You are absolutely amazing!

  2. Hey Pretty lady, you take my breath away!! Truly! XOx

  3. Thank you ladies! We are hanging in there. Lov to both of you....