Saturday, February 18, 2012

I got a dog...

And before I tell you when and why...Just take a minute to check this mug out.I mean,come on,isn't he the cutest pup ever.To be honest,I am really not even a dog person.Or animal person for that matter.I never felt the ewy,gooey feelings of gushing over someone's pet at the beach.Or chatting it up with a stranger over how cute their little doggie's new sweater vest looked on them.Like how dumb, or is that just me?

We got Cooper almost 3 years ago on a trip back home from the lake.He was just what we wanted.I say WE, as in our whole family.But we all know the truth.If momma hadn't put her stamp of approval on that decision it wouldn't have happened.But at the time,I was all over it.Excited at the idea of a new little addition to our family.The girls were pumped and even Sam was showing signs of anticipation over our new little guy.No one could have warned me for what was about to come.But I don't think anyone knew just what my spirit was going through at the time so it wouldn't have made a difference either way.

I was in a dark place.A sad and lonely place.I had just gone through the worst miscarriage ever.Bad.Horrible.And was struggling with my womanhood.My motherhood for my two girls and feelings of failure as a woman herself.And again,the truth of the matter, all I wanted was my baby.A part of our family that deserved to be here.I was not complete.I wanted so badly to feel whole again.And because I was scared to death,literally, to get pregnant again, I decided to fill that emptiness....with a dog of course.Why not,right? BIG MISTAKE...HUGE....EPIC FAIL.

I resented Cooper for so long after he came home.I ignored him.Refused to walk him.Only allowed him in the kitchen and backyard.Maybe the last one was more so due to my major struggle with OCD.Either way, I was a total jerk.I even spanked him,on the butt when he was bad.My trainer told me to stop and I did...reluctantly.I struggled with the idea that I had made this decision to get this dog out of pure selfishness.And I did.He was not my friend and I was not his friend either.

However, a year later I suffered another miscarriage....and another miscarriage after that.And through those very ugly months that followed, Cooper was one loyal friend.He was quick to forgive my abandonment early on.As I drifted in and out,month after month,like a zombie.He was there,laying at my feet.Waiting patiently for me.To come back to.To wake up.Like he knew all along that the ME he had always known, was not the real momma Zo.I realize I am describing a dog at this point.But my husband had checked out from me just out of pure self preservation I'm sure at this point.The girls were in and out of school.I was alone,at home,with my thoughts,coffee and cigarettes to get me through the day.It was bad,I'm not lying.And my poor pup just stuck it out with me.Saw it all and didn't run away.

So I look at this picture and see much more than a cute doggie face.I see more than just the family pet.I see loyalty and compassion for the lost.

So I got a dog because I wanted a baby.Plain and simple.Ashamed and humbled.This is my truth.Do I love my Coop?...oh yes, more than I can express without sounding like a Carmel-purse-dog lunatic-strolling the beach...He saved me from the person that was taking over my joy.He wasn't just a distraction, he was my hope.

1 comment:

  1. That was so lovely and honest. I'm glad you found your way and he helped. Loyal friends are the best friends!!